[she hesitates as she says it, her voice sounding unsure. she lifts a hand to her mouth, glancing down as she tries to figure out the best way to, well... explain this one.
because she knows her answer is not satisfying.]
Though the actions weren't my own... I did add "my" personal touch...
[It feels evasive, the way she's answering -- literal is a good way of putting it, because there's focus on one specific definition, but it isn't quite the definition he's asking for. After a pause of his own, his shoulders droop slightly and he speaks again, sounding weary.]
...And if we weren't talking about things in a literal sense?
[that gets a pause. she doesn't want to admit that, well... she'd been thinking about this. she'd been thinking about it, even as she told him to not worry, or to not blame himself. She pauses and, well, moves to sit in the chair next to his, thinking.]
... Oh. Right.
[she pauses and then finds, mysteriously, she can't meet his gaze.]
[That draws out a sigh from him. He'd suspected, but it isn't a good feeling to have it confirmed, not when it involves this.
They're both tired at this point, so there's no point in trying to get her to meet his gaze, so he also looks away for the moment.]
It makes me a hypocrite to repeat those words back to you, but I still think it bears saying: if everything that happened with the Jorogumo wasn't my fault, then being possessed by the Barghest and everything you did under its influence wasn't your fault, either, personal touches or not. So even if you wanted to make up for things somehow... this wasn't something you needed to do.
If it came down to what they had done in every round before then, and they voted for whoever volunteered... that meant that Akira would have been voted.
I couldn't allow that.
[she admits quietly]
So... even if I know logically... I still wanted to give them a reason to vote for anyone else.
[He gets it, really. He himself wouldn't have blinked an eye at volunteering if it meant protecting Elise, or his parents or any of his friends from Class VII. But still, he can't help but feel that it was still wrong of her to do it, even if he can understand her reasons.]
...I still think had to have been another way to go about it. [A sigh. He sounds tired.] You shouldn't have needed to resort to that kind of reasoning. Not when you're trying to protect someone.
[she has to contemplate for a minute what to say next. Knowing and emotions are two different things, and she's been fighting her way through them, just like he has the whole time.]
[It's always easier to say these things to others than believe in it yourself. Their positions are reversed now, but that doesn't make that part any less true. So he nods along at her reasoning.]
As long as that was the only reason... [He sighs a bit in frustration, although it's not so much directed at her as it is to himself.] Sorry for making this out to be like some kind of interrogation, by the way. That wasn't my intention. I just... wanted to make sure you weren't using this as a way to punish yourself, or something.
That's good to hear... even if I'm not entirely sure what standard you're comparing this to.
[Considering the topic, it was bound to be somewhat intrusive anyways, and probably even moreso when they didn't know each other all too well. And as such, he's reluctant to press even though he feels like they ended up sidestepping the point a little.]
[even though she knows it's not believable. she looks at him, her face clearly neutral, yet pleasant. she's had a lot of practice with this.]
Honestly, now that it's over. That this is... well, almost over. It has to be. We should never have counted on the Outsider for anything-- I'm... honestly surprised the Barghest considered him a prized host.
[an awkward pause, and then she searches for a conversation saver]
[This game's made a liar of all of them, considering how often people go around insisting they're fine. It's more believable for some over others, where Makoto falls somewhere in the middle even if mostly because of context.]
I think he really was trying in his own way, but... it definitely could've ended better. [Which is really the understatement of the year, but.]
I'm fine, thanks. Everything's pretty much the same as being alive and I've felt healthier than I have in weeks, so I'd say it's kind of an improvement, actually. [He smiles back easily enough, but one day isn't enough to seal up all the cracks; he's never been a good liar, and it probably looks more rehearsed than anything else.]
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I wanted to save Akira. It seemed like the easiest way to get them to vote for me.
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[she hesitates as she says it, her voice sounding unsure. she lifts a hand to her mouth, glancing down as she tries to figure out the best way to, well... explain this one.
because she knows her answer is not satisfying.]
Though the actions weren't my own... I did add "my" personal touch...
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...And if we weren't talking about things in a literal sense?
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... Oh. Right.
[she pauses and then finds, mysteriously, she can't meet his gaze.]
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They're both tired at this point, so there's no point in trying to get her to meet his gaze, so he also looks away for the moment.]
It makes me a hypocrite to repeat those words back to you, but I still think it bears saying: if everything that happened with the Jorogumo wasn't my fault, then being possessed by the Barghest and everything you did under its influence wasn't your fault, either, personal touches or not. So even if you wanted to make up for things somehow... this wasn't something you needed to do.
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If it came down to what they had done in every round before then, and they voted for whoever volunteered... that meant that Akira would have been voted.
I couldn't allow that.
[she admits quietly]
So... even if I know logically... I still wanted to give them a reason to vote for anyone else.
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...I still think had to have been another way to go about it. [A sigh. He sounds tired.] You shouldn't have needed to resort to that kind of reasoning. Not when you're trying to protect someone.
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[she glances up then, now that she feels he's created a chance to talk about something else.]
I just wanted to be sure. Especially since Akira would try to argue against it.
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Everyone knows you weren't responsible for those deaths, Makoto. In the end, I think what mattered most was conviction.
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You're right. I know you're right.
[she has to contemplate for a minute what to say next. Knowing and emotions are two different things, and she's been fighting her way through them, just like he has the whole time.]
I guess I was just irrationally worried.
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As long as that was the only reason... [He sighs a bit in frustration, although it's not so much directed at her as it is to himself.] Sorry for making this out to be like some kind of interrogation, by the way. That wasn't my intention. I just... wanted to make sure you weren't using this as a way to punish yourself, or something.
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[it's a nice shift in the conversation.
Unfortunately... the "more" intrusive conversations were... worse.]
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[Considering the topic, it was bound to be somewhat intrusive anyways, and probably even moreso when they didn't know each other all too well. And as such, he's reluctant to press even though he feels like they ended up sidestepping the point a little.]
Anyways, how are you feeling after... all that?
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[even though she knows it's not believable. she looks at him, her face clearly neutral, yet pleasant. she's had a lot of practice with this.]
Honestly, now that it's over. That this is... well, almost over. It has to be. We should never have counted on the Outsider for anything-- I'm... honestly surprised the Barghest considered him a prized host.
[an awkward pause, and then she searches for a conversation saver]
What about you?
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I think he really was trying in his own way, but... it definitely could've ended better. [Which is really the understatement of the year, but.]
I'm fine, thanks. Everything's pretty much the same as being alive and I've felt healthier than I have in weeks, so I'd say it's kind of an improvement, actually. [He smiles back easily enough, but one day isn't enough to seal up all the cracks; he's never been a good liar, and it probably looks more rehearsed than anything else.]
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I felt awful and it was still an improvement.
[see, they can talk about other things! Like! Not being possessed! an experience they share.]
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I can imagine. I'd heard your condition had been pretty bad right after the exorcism.