We've both essentially went through the same thing at this point, being possessed. Doing things we would rather not do. Everyone was kind to me too, for the most part.
But it doesn't make it better. Easier, maybe, but not better.
[she pauses and just... it's her time to take her time deliberately writing out an answer]
A little like being locked in a cage. Or maybe... in a trance? I kept hearing my sister's voice, having conversations back and forth with her in my head.
"Do this, you're doing so well, I knew there was a reason you were special." Whatever rationality I had felt completely cleaved off, and all I wanted was that sort of praise. I didn't think of anything else...
That's... I don't even think 'awful' describes what you went through. Especially using your family against you like that; it's unforgivable. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
You're right, I know. And I appreciate it, I really do.
But it isn't just this. I'm always too weak to do anything when it really matters, and the people around me pay the price -- that's how it's always been. And while I thought that I'd changed a little in the past year or so, in the end, I was just overestimating myself.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
FRIDAY, NOT SATURDAY, AFTERNOON
Any other ghosts, please get my message to Rean. I'd... really like to talk to him.
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Hey, this is Rean. Did you need something?
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Just to see how you were feeling after... everything.
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Thanks, I appreciate it. But I'm fine, really. Everyone's been really kind to me over here, and it isn't too different from being alive.
How about you? I never checked on you before... I'm sorry about that.
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We've both essentially went through the same thing at this point, being possessed. Doing things we would rather not do. Everyone was kind to me too, for the most part.
But it doesn't make it better. Easier, maybe, but not better.
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Do you ever wonder if you're still yourself?
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[that one is immediate, and she sinks a little lower, pulling her knees into her chest.]
I wonder how much of what happened was me, and how much was the Barghest all the time.
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A little like being locked in a cage. Or maybe... in a trance? I kept hearing my sister's voice, having conversations back and forth with her in my head.
"Do this, you're doing so well, I knew there was a reason you were special." Whatever rationality I had felt completely cleaved off, and all I wanted was that sort of praise. I didn't think of anything else...
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No, that's not quite it. It was me, but I thought I was the Jorogumo itself. It was [A pause.] a pretty strange experience.
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That explains your question.
[she pauses and just. sighs.]
Do you feel like you're never going to be able to make up for what you've done?
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But stop thinking that way. If I am not at fault, neither are you. You don't deserve that guilt anymore than I deserve it.
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But it isn't just this. I'm always too weak to do anything when it really matters, and the people around me pay the price -- that's how it's always been. And while I thought that I'd changed a little in the past year or so, in the end, I was just overestimating myself.
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I just wouldn't count this as proof of anything, pre-conceived notions or not...