[she pauses and just... it's her time to take her time deliberately writing out an answer]
A little like being locked in a cage. Or maybe... in a trance? I kept hearing my sister's voice, having conversations back and forth with her in my head.
"Do this, you're doing so well, I knew there was a reason you were special." Whatever rationality I had felt completely cleaved off, and all I wanted was that sort of praise. I didn't think of anything else...
That's... I don't even think 'awful' describes what you went through. Especially using your family against you like that; it's unforgivable. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
You're right, I know. And I appreciate it, I really do.
But it isn't just this. I'm always too weak to do anything when it really matters, and the people around me pay the price -- that's how it's always been. And while I thought that I'd changed a little in the past year or so, in the end, I was just overestimating myself.
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A little like being locked in a cage. Or maybe... in a trance? I kept hearing my sister's voice, having conversations back and forth with her in my head.
"Do this, you're doing so well, I knew there was a reason you were special." Whatever rationality I had felt completely cleaved off, and all I wanted was that sort of praise. I didn't think of anything else...
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No, that's not quite it. It was me, but I thought I was the Jorogumo itself. It was [A pause.] a pretty strange experience.
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That explains your question.
[she pauses and just. sighs.]
Do you feel like you're never going to be able to make up for what you've done?
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But stop thinking that way. If I am not at fault, neither are you. You don't deserve that guilt anymore than I deserve it.
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But it isn't just this. I'm always too weak to do anything when it really matters, and the people around me pay the price -- that's how it's always been. And while I thought that I'd changed a little in the past year or so, in the end, I was just overestimating myself.
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I just wouldn't count this as proof of anything, pre-conceived notions or not...