[she pauses for a long time, surprised he gave an honest assessment. That there could be an honest assessment here. And she bites her lips, rather than reply verbally. She slowly types out,]
It makes sense logically. But I can't look at this so coolly. All I can see is sacrificing the few for what I'm not certain is the greater good. People who are harmless, or haven't harmed anyone...
For someone like me. I can't do it-- I can't decide to place my life ahead of theirs.
... I will do whatever I can to protect Akira. But you shouldn't put all your hope onto him for this either. He can't do this alone, and he isn't the leader here.
... Besides. I only said I would vote for myself. Not that I would try to be killed.
[thanks, she hates all this. she thought she'd actually reached her limit of crying, that she felt numb inside, and that she couldn't be moved to tears, but. there's no way to understand.
she just... wants to stop. She wants all of this to end, without anymore bloodshed. But most of all, she doesn't want to pretend she's got some greater claim to life because of some resourcefulness, not after everything she's done.
not after she no longer feels in control of herself, or like she even really is herself.
she just sets down the tablet, and raises her hands to hide her face, closing her eyes tightly.
her shoulders shake. and her voice is thick when she finally speaks again.]
that you literally can't see it if you're sobbing so hard you can't read. She can't answer, because she's now pulling her knees into her chest, and burying her head into them, so she can't be seen either.
[it takes a long while, she hadn't really cried in awhile, but it's like Minato's death, Atsushi's death, her memory, and everything hits her all at once, regardless of how strong she was trying to be. She still feels numb to it all, but... it's better than it was before.
she rubs her eyes, and hiccups lightly, before picking up her tablet. she can talk. she can try.]
[ Slowly, he lets her go. Returns to the ghost tablet still laying on the edge of the bed where it was discarded, picking it up.
It takes a while for another message to appear, all at once. ]
i'm someone who has never had anything to live for. i still don't know how to help a friend. i still don't know how to help anyone without my power to tell me the right thing to do. i barely existed to begin with. someone like me, who doesn't even know what to do with another life is probably the worst person to try to tell anyone why they should live.
all i know is... what it's like to feel pain now, when the people i like are hurting. it feels like it hasn't stopped since i died.
i want to trust you. i want you to live, even if it's selfish. but... someone like me isn't really capable of coming up with a good enough reason to convince you
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It makes sense logically. But I can't look at this so coolly. All I can see is sacrificing the few for what I'm not certain is the greater good. People who are harmless, or haven't harmed anyone...
For someone like me. I can't do it-- I can't decide to place my life ahead of theirs.
I won't. I'm not so important I can't be killed.
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you and akira are smart and know how to work together
i don't want anyone else to die
but they're going to keep making us kill each other
what are we going to do if the survivors can't save us...?
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I'm not special, I'm not the only one that can do what needs to be done.
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then you're going to abandon akira and leave it up to him?
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... Besides. I only said I would vote for myself. Not that I would try to be killed.
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he wouldn't even look at his tablet
he hugged me for a really long time, though
he'll probably try to sacrifice himself during the trial
please don't let him
please stay with him
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I won't let him sacrifice himself, ever. But I can't bring myself to do this anymore, either.
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Please stop.
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i can't
i don't want to see you here
makoto when you die you can't do anything even if you want to
even if you want to save your friends you can't
even if your friends are going to die you can't do anything!
what if you get executed and akira lives?
all you'll be able to do is watch
it hurts
it hurts so much!
if you can still do something... why would you give that up?
if you still have friends you care about, who care about you... why would you give that up?
i didn't understand any of that when i died
but you do, don't you?
[ There's a soft patter in the room. Tears hitting the floor. ]
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she just... wants to stop. She wants all of this to end, without anymore bloodshed. But most of all, she doesn't want to pretend she's got some greater claim to life because of some resourcefulness, not after everything she's done.
not after she no longer feels in control of herself, or like she even really is herself.
she just sets down the tablet, and raises her hands to hide her face, closing her eyes tightly.
her shoulders shake. and her voice is thick when she finally speaks again.]
Please stop!
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please
[ A weight falls on the edge of her bed. It's probably just about right for an invisible tablet. ]
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that you literally can't see it if you're sobbing so hard you can't read. She can't answer, because she's now pulling her knees into her chest, and burying her head into them, so she can't be seen either.
makoto niijima is not available right now.]
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But eventually, there's a tentative hand on her shoulder. Easily shrugged off, if she should try. ]
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that's a step at least.]
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He's shaking. But he'll hold on for now. ]
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she rubs her eyes, and hiccups lightly, before picking up her tablet. she can talk. she can try.]
... Just. Just t-trust me.
cw: suicidal ideation
It takes a while for another message to appear, all at once. ]
i'm someone who has never had anything to live for. i still don't know how to help a friend. i still don't know how to help anyone without my power to tell me the right thing to do. i barely existed to begin with. someone like me, who doesn't even know what to do with another life is probably the worst person to try to tell anyone why they should live.
all i know is... what it's like to feel pain now, when the people i like are hurting. it feels like it hasn't stopped since i died.
i want to trust you. i want you to live, even if it's selfish. but... someone like me isn't really capable of coming up with a good enough reason to convince you
sorry...